Not
long after the hour of midnight, Miss Felicity Bonnington was led through the door of Francis Manor by the squire of the estate,
James Headingly. The night had been stoked with barely concealed
fiery passions, which during the course of dinner and dancing had
smouldered in the eyes of the soon to be lovers.
Now,
as James fastened the deadbolts on the door, Felicity took in the
well appointed entrance hall and wondered if tonight would be the
night when this classical courtship would bear corpulent fruit.
She
gasped as James turned to sweep her into his arms, smiling and
looking deep into her eyes. Swallowing a lump in her throat, she
observed how a bluish light played over her partners face, and the
sheer beauty of the moment caused a tear to run down one cheek.
'Why
Felicity,' said James, his tone gentle but concern lining his face.
'What on earth is wrong?'
The
young girl smiled shyly as she wiped the tear away.
'Oh do
not mind my emotional ways James. It is merely the glow from the
light of your BT HomeHub 5 did catch your features in a most pleasing
fashion.'
'Well
thank goodness this reaction was one bought on by the beauty of the
situation, and not of some remorse,' James paused and grinned
playfully. 'You know, my broadband speed can occasionally reach 77
megabits per second.'
'Why
James!' exclaimed Felicity, blushing and pushing James away by one
shoulder. 'Such talk is not suitable for the ears of a lady of good
standing!' She giggled despite herself. 'If you talk of your
asymmetric upload speed then I will be forced to revise my entire
view of you as an upstanding gentleman.'
James
laughed. 'As you wish my good lady, it shall not be mentioned. I am
sure though that a woman even of your innocence must have some idea
of the proportions ascribed in the ratio between upload and download
speeds. Let me assure you that my assets in this regard are
considerable.'
The
girl blushed again, and quickly turned and looked at the rest of the
hallway, as if moving away from the object of discussion would lessen
her exposure to such colourful language.
'Show
me the rest of your delightful abode,' she said, as if the preceding
sentences had never been uttered.
James
merely nodded and opened a large pair of double doors, leading to a
room of rich, dark woods and plush furnishing. He gently led Felicity
to a chais lounge and invited her to sit whilst he made drinks. It
was as he was walking to the drinks cabinet that Felicity's eyes came
to rest on a large black object mounted on the far wall.
'I say
James,' she said, a tone of puzzlement in her voice. 'My eyes surely
deceive me but I cannot help but think that looks remarkably like a
Sharp AQUOS LED TV.'
James
turned from preparing the drinks. 'Your eyes are indeed
sharp, fair lady, pardon my own pun. It is the latest iteration of
design, complete with NET+ Smart platform and with built in Freeview
HD.'
'But
that is not possible!' exclaimed the shocked woman. 'My father
frequented Curries not 24 hours prior
to this moment and it
was stated that stock had not
yet arrived from the Far East!'
James
nodded sagely. 'It is true
that the local merchants have
been less than prompt in securing these models. I have had to resort
to trading online to bring in this particular 60 inch example.'
'60
inches!' Felicity
gasped. 'Excuse my raised voice but I have never seen one so large at
such close quarters! When fully turned on it must be a quite
magnificent sight to behold!'
'It is
true that even I do not not have full control of it's functions as
yet,' admitted James, somewhat sheepishly. 'It can do many astounding
things that I am positive will ensure future guests experience many hours
of pleasure.'
Felicity
stood and made her way to the balcony at the end of the room,
clutching her glass and sipping thoughtfully.
'Oh
James, you have a wonderful place here. The grounds are magnificent,
and so well manicured. But living alone as you do in such a location,
are you not worried about intruders or poachers on your land?'
'You
make a fair point, my dear, and it is to your womanly credit to think
of such practical difficulties. Of course during the day Groundsman
McArthur and his Alsatian guard the area, but
at night a network of Lilin LR7022E4 IP Camera's record movements
around the estate.'
'The
Linin LR7022E4?' queried Felicity. 'I would have thought that a man
of your standing would have chosen a model such as the Swann
DVR4-1260 for multi-channel video surveillance.'
'I
considered the Swann, of course,' answered James. 'But the Linin
model offers 1080p resolution at a surprisingly low price. Since
father tightened the purse-strings one cannot be too careful in
ensuring one has the best deals possible.'
Upon
uttering this unarguable explanation of price/performance ratio,
James turned
to his future wife and
recognised the look in her
eyes as that of admiration and longing. Taking
her by the hand, he led her back into the hallway, and up the grand
curving staircase towards the master bedroom, pausing briefly to
notice the good lady inadvertently
bite her bottom lip at the sight of the aforementioned HomeHub.
On the
landing James pushed open the bedroom door, but Felicity paused,
looking at an occasional table on the corner of which rested a small phone
handset.
'Once
again James, the elegance of your choice does you great credit.'
James
paused and smiled. 'Yes, the Panasonic TG8063 DECT is a cordless
phone answering system with caller ID/call waiting. It's really
rather pleasant.'
'James,
you arouse strange, warm feelings in me with such talk. Your BT
master socket must be capable of such throughput. I cannot begin
to imagine the skill with which you must handle all your equipment!'
'What
is more,' enthused James, caught up in the moment. 'I purchased the
triple-pack with two additional handsets so that three people could
interact together on the same call, listening to what each other has
to say as well as the voice of the external caller.'
Felicity's
eyes hardened. 'A three-way interaction? Well, James! I have never
before heard of such depravity. And to involve an innocent from the
outside too! This is too much!'
'But
it was all so easy to set up!' blurted James, suddenly rocked by this
unexpected faux pas. 'It is surely as easy to flick a couple of
additional switches for the sake of a better user experience, don't
you see?'
The
frown remained on Felicity's face. 'I shall find the spare bedroom
tonight James. In the morning you can escort me back to my family.
There is much to consider between us.'
With
that, Felicity gathered herself and marched away, leaving James
standing shocked beside his inactive handset. He sighed, and leant
resignedly against the wall, and uttered under his breath;
'I
knew
I should have stuck with the twin pack.'
